People can’t seem to stop mocking enjoying my recent(ish) post about wardrobe choices, so I thought I’d share my latest style adventure. On my birthday, I was delighted by one of the most thoughtful and appropriate gifts I have ever received: my friends gave me a fanny pack.
It’s easy to see why my friends realized that this was the perfect gift for me. Just listen to this amazing marketing campaign I found online:
“Are you ready to see the world? This Everest® Signature Waist Pack is ready to join you on what is sure to be an adventure! Brightly colored in Raider Red® and with five roomy pouches, you can take this pack anywhere, whether you plan to cheer from the nosebleeds at a Texas Tech game or bear sweet testimony during your Sunday School lesson. Everest: Discover the explorer within!”
First of all, I don’t want to hear the term “waist pack” ever again. You can’t just rename something and expect us to fall for it. This is a fanny pack. (On a related note, they are not “joggers.” They are sweat pants. Get over yourselves)
Beyond that, I am ecstatic about this new item. I don’t need to explain how fashionable it is. That truth is self-evident. But it’s functionality blew me away! And contrary to popular belief, these are not just for tourists and old people. They’re also great for hip youngsters like myself!
As shown above, it has five very useful pouches. The two largest pouches, complete with zippers, are perfect for storing my wallet, keys, sunglasses, days of the week pill case, and any assortment of crackers, fruit snacks, and trail mix. Pocket #3, although a bit smaller, is great for emergency supplies: band-aids, an assortment of condiment packets, and my “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet are always at my side. The smallest zipper pocket is my “Dr. Love” pouch for dates: chapstick, gum, cologne, a copy of the Miranda rights, and my McDonald’s punch card fit snugly inside. Finally, there is a handy cell phone pocket on the front. Perfect for flip phones and pagers, this easily opened Velcro pocket assures you’re never out of touch!
There are a few downsides. Depending on how much I tighten the strap, it bounces around a lot when I run up or down stairs. My keys are jangling around in there and I can’t get the high-knees action that I need for optimal stair ascension. I also have to be careful about bending forward too far, as I might unintentionally crush the snacks that I like to keep in the big pocket. And I have to admit, wearing this thing all day does get tiresome. It’s not always a comfortable fit, and by the time I get home in the evening, the first thing I want to do is unhook my fanny pack and walk around without it.
Despite these slight drawbacks, this fanny pack outperformed my expectations. I would recommend it to anyone, especially to tourists, old people, and hip youngsters. Five out of five stars.